I’m a good speller. I’m going to misspell something in this post, like an ass, as Karmic punishment for beginning a tale by lauding myself an expert speller. It’s just something I’m good at. I spent most of my elementary school years whiled away with VC Andrews books, I mean The Babysitters Club if my mother is reading this. I was also one of those dweeby kids who loved diaries and stationary sets. Had Santa presented me with the choice between a flashy bicycle or a set of pretty pieces of paper with matching sharpened pencils, I would have chosen the latter and been writing my thank-you note to him on that very paper a few moments later.
But don’t go jumping to conclusions. Just because I had my nose in a book and like writing, I’m no rocket scientist when it comes to solving some of life’s more complex issues, like geometry. Or word puzzles. Or how to work a Garmin. Despite my love of words, I’m also tragically average at crossword puzzles and Scrabble.
My husband, on the other hand, is my foil. G solves mathematical puzzles for fun. He reads dense law and tax code that makes me want to start tying a noose and looking for a stool. He also rocks Scrabble and crossword puzzles, although often with BS maneuvers like the word ‘jo’, which to me is a cheap attempt at spelling a nickname for coffee. To him, and to Webster’s, it is a “Spanish Lover,” which is also worth like 40,000 Scrabble points. He also can remember whether you’re supposed to run in a diagonal, play dead, or climb a tree when being chased by a lion, a bear, or an alligator. I would be doing all three, and with no impressive speed, until I received the jaws of death to the back.
Despite all these virtues, he is a terrible speller. He just can’t visualize words before they need to be typed or written. I will hear things like, “How do you spell ‘Sincerely’?” three times a week. I don’t usually wield my power to spell better than he for evil.
That is…until recently.
We had been moving bulky waste, as it’s known, to the curb for collection by the Township. But we had way more articles of waste than a 12 pack and a $20 were going to compel two trash men to take. So we began putting items out in advance of the collection day in hopes that scavengers (they really were more like buzzards in this case) would haul them away. I actually watched a man drive 100 feet past our curb, reverse the entire distance, to take…a red bucket. I’d been putting crap out there for days without any problem.
Then G moved to the curb a filing cabinet that had been in our barn since 1940. Literally. It was ugly and heavy. It looked exactly like the kind of filing cabinet you see in a detective’s office in old movies. It sat there. And it sat there. So, in typical form, the filing cabinet’s lack of desirability became MY problem. G started pestering me to put a FREE sign out there so that ‘people will know it’s free.’ As if someone might knock on the door and offer us cash for the relic. I was having one of those days with the kids where I could barely take a sip of water, so digging out a piece of cardboard and a Sharpee from a house that had been 95% packed into boxes was not high on my priority list. By the evening, G was so annoyed that I had not made his sign that he stormed into the house and declared loudly, “How hard is it to put a few letters on paper, Erin?? I’ve asked you 90 flipping times to do one thing while I’m…(blah blah, you get it).”
He disappears back out the front door with his arts and craft items only to peek his head in one minute later.
“Is this how you spell FREE?” he asks while holding up his sign. “Something looks funny.”
It was spelled correctly. But I was feeling burned.
“No, that first E should be an I.”
Ha ha ha. At least we gave the neighbors one last thing to talk about. Or people thought we were storing a new form of Brie in our roadside filing cabinet.
(What powers do you yield for evil?)
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Consider this comment a virtual high-five.
We have diametrically opposed spelling [and grammar] skills in our house as well. I was a spelling bee champ, and husband still can’t figure out their/there/they’re sometimes. There are a jillion jobs out there that he’d be great at if only he never had to put a pen to paper!
I used to read VC Andrews all the time! Ahhh, those were the days.
I am a good speller too, even won a spelling bee or two in my time, of course you would not know this by going off my blog. My husband is a horrible speller, always asking me how to spell something. I like feeling I am smarter than him so I always tell him the correct spelling, however….I have been known to “fake sleep” just so I do not have to deal with the kids.
OK…I almost shot Pinot Noir out of my nose after reading this! I HATE to waste good wine…so be glad I was able to hold it all in. My super power is “organizing”…I love it and I’m good at it, my husband…not so much. He’s also what I lovingly refer to as a “pre-hoarder”…he’s not quite ready for his own Hoarder episode on A&E, but close. He keeps
EVERYTHING and it’s all in big unorganized messes. Anyhoo…I’m constantly sneaking his “treasures” (aka…crap) out of the house and burying it inside the trash dumpster. I love it when he’s gone for an overnight for work because then I can really get serious about de-bulking his “treasures”. I’ve been known to put stuff in our neighbors dumpsters just so he won’t see it and so far, I haven’t been caught yet
My super memory. Many is the time in which I have beaten my husband at Trivial pursuit, one memorable time he didn’t even get his hands on the dice. Yeah, good times. I beat him in every quiz (television or real world).
Thanks to dyscalculia I suck at math though. But that’s ok. That is why we have invented calculators.
This is beautiful…totally gave me an idea for a post…you know, when you’re spelling things out loud that you don’t want the kids to hear and Husband is so dense that he’s like, “wha?” with drool coming down his chin and a blank stare…then you actually have to say the word and it’s all for naught! I didn’t catch any typo’s BTW!!!!!
Hate to tell you this, but… I’ve found misspellings (typos, more likely) in about 65% of your posts.
(I do this to my professional writer friends too – have often considered offering myself to their editors as a copy editor, but decided it wouldn’t be worth it to make my friends look potentially bad in the hopes of getting a job… and my friends themselves can’t afford to pay me.)
Like yourself, I rock linguistic gifts but not when it comes to puzzles. Except for the verbal S.A.T. – I rocked that bitch to the ground. But Scrabble? Sucktastic. Greg and I do easy crosswords together on planes, and I am indeed the dominant team member there, but… he’s the math guy, not the words guy, so I don’t pat myself too hard on the back for that one. Besides, same team. But in my experience boys are generally more wired for puzzles (these easy crosswords are featured in Games Magazine, to which my husband subscribes).
Hee hee… “FRIE”
OMG! VC Andrews, that brings back such vivid memories for me!!
Sadie at heyMamas
E, I’m like you…my love of words does not translate into being skilled at crossword puzzles or Scrabble. I think it just takes practice to get good at those. I only noticed recently that T is playing games on his iPhone, but I have to say we had a good time hunched over his phone, playing some Boggle-like word game together on a flight. And even though I think of him as way smarter than me, he’s no better at it than I am! It’s a girl-thing, and I like it.
Hahahaha! That is hysterical. My husband is a TERRIBLE speller too!
VC Andrews – wow! and didn’t we all think for a while that flowers in the attic was a true story? okay, maybe not all of us…
Hilarious! My husband hates it when I correct his spelling on our fridge grocery list. This week? It was “brocolli”. Usually it’s “tomatoe” or “deoderant”.
Ten bucks someone saw it & just named their newborn baby “Frie.”
I give him credit for the ‘i before e’ rule.
Great! I often use my superior spelling skills to make my husband feel like a dumb ass. He too, is far better at math, problem solving, understands how to work the “Garmin”. Sometimes I feel that the only power I have over him is the ability to spell well, give birth to children, multitask…hey wait…I AM Superior!!
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I just laughed so hard, I choked. No more eating and reading your blog at the same time.
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I have tears in my eyes this is so flippin’ funny.
And you need to start a VC Andrews book club in Maine…
I need you to know…I actually WON a spelling bee (mind you it was just a local one) and my E is a TERRIBLE Speller. I love to give him the wrong spelling of 2nd grade words! It makes me feel like the funniest girl in the world, and then I remember I’m laughing about spelling (that probably makes me an uber dork)!!