Those E Trade baby commercials freak me the freak out because I feel like I am married to that talking baby.  And I don’t mean married to the future adult man he will one day become, but actually married to that diaper-wearing, fast-talking toddler.  Like that kid, G talks constantly about diversifying his portfolio, thumbs his nose at brokers, and mocks those with poorly performing 401Ks.  And by ‘those’, I mean me.  I’d like to point out that my 401K is performing famously at a 5 digit number.  That includes the .00 at the end, but perhaps I’m a financial Nostradamus who predicted that my money would be safer hanging in my closet than in a retirement fund.

Because he possesses such swagger when it comes to how he manages his funds, I was over the moon when he opened a redemption check and said:

E, because we’re partners and you work hard at everything you do, I think you deserve this check.  I’m going to give this whole check to you to deposit in your account.

My heart skipped and the lust for things I’d seen in windows (both virtual and real) but couldn’t purchase began to overtake me.  Spring clothes, new boots, designer makeup, toys for the little lady so that she doesn’t have to play with boy’s stuff, new pants for D so he doesn’t plead for his sister’s pink ones.  I was just getting started – Broadway shows, real estate, international travel, highways named for our family, a Taco Bell franchise…you get the point.

Until I looked at it:

I should have expected this from the day trading toddler I married.  But G, let me give you a little lesson on finance in return…stocks ain’t the only thing that can be bought on the internet with a click of a button.

Click.