A Gynecological Q&A

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- Why is it called an Intrauterine Device? Are there batteries? Or ticking? Will Tom Cruise ever need to diffuse it?

- This diagram looks like someone has a wishbone lodged in their heart, which actually almost happened to me one Thanksgiving.

- So copper immobilizes the sperm? That’s funny because copper also immobilizes my bank account.

- Will I get taller from this? I’m asking for a friend.

- On the pain scale of Running a Marathon Over Hot Embers to Watching Val Kilmer Pretend To Be Blind, where is this going to fall?

- Could you not use the word ‘insertion’ so long as I’m in this office?

- I once saw an IUD on the asphalt of a Burlington Coat Factory parking lot so I’m assuming they can just fall right out if you get excited about discounts?

- If this lasts for 10 years, can I just renew it along with my passport?

- Sometimes a local anesthetic is used? When it comes to the numbing of my cervix, always is really more in line with my philosophy.

- I need to locate a string in there every month? I can’t even find my keys and they’re attached to a tennis ball.

- I see it does not cause weight gain; But can it explain weight gain?

- Did you just tell me to try to relax? You should say that before you’re holding that speculum like an angry sock puppet.

- You needn’t worry about me trying to remove it myself. I don’t even take my contact lenses out at night.

- If I get pregnant despite this procedure, I’m naming the baby Mirena. Even if it’s a boy.

- Can you just get that thing in there right now because I’m really rarely not pregnant and I’d like to capitalize on this moment.

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31 thoughts on “A Gynecological Q&A”

  2. Oh dear God, did you really see one in front of a Burlington Coat Factory? Horrifying! And the last line, about rarely being preggers – hilarious!

    • Oops – meant to write “rarely NOT preggers” – I feel the same way!

  3. I hope you got the Mirena and not copper. Loving my IUD, yes I did just say that! I hate to take a pill or more to the point ,have to remember to take a pill and no periods! If I get pregnant , I’m naming it after my Dr. and saying it’s his!

  7. Bwahahaha! Hilarious!

    I am keeping my fingers crossed that it serves its purpose and you DON’T get knocked up, but I am secretly hoping for a little Mirena to show up in one of your posts one day… :)

  8. Buahahaha…..

    I am so terrified about this – I LOST . THE . PLOT. when the Dr tried to put this in after my first – likely this explains why we have a second….

    So, yea, “Sometimes” a local anesthetic is used? – Um – general anathestic would be my choice… .. just saying…

    Or you know, vascectomy ?

    :)

  9. I think in this house we are going the vasectomy route. That doesn’t sound like fun, and I’ve already birthed two children.

  10. I love my Mirena, even though I always call her Minerva. See? This is why we can’t be expected to remember a pill for God’s sakes.

    Hilarious.

  12. - On the pain scale of Running a Marathon Over Hot Embers to Watching Val Kilmer Pretend To Be Blind, where is this going to fall?

    I can’t stop laughing over this one.

  13. This was hilarious — I believe the plot of Mission Impossible VII revolves around Tom Cruise needing to defuse an IUD.

  16. Ooh, wince and if it weren’t for the laughter that was really out loud, I’d be crying for you.

    Hope not too crampy of an adjustment time.

    xo

  17. I have my marching orders to get it, but it’s $500 here w/ zero insurance coverage. I know that’s still cheaper than the $350,000 a 3rd child will cost in the long run, but I can’t really plan passed this Sunday.

  19. Your philosophy on anasthetics is brilliant. I do so hope you are able to locate the string. Otherwise, it sounds like Tom Cruise might be visiting.

  20. Ditto what Dusty Earth Mom said. And angry sock puppet. Love that line.

    I think what you’re saying in this post is…you want another child. Right? Did I get that right?

  22. Love this!! I’m in year 4 with Marina (I named her). We are boaty people. Love her! No periods, no babies. I’m the biggest wuss & I took Advil. I love shopping & it hasn’t fallen out yet.

  24. And men wonder why we’re bitter. Harumph. Have never had the pleasure of meeting an IUD but anything that involves “speculum” is not going to be pleasant. Really, is there a worse word in the language? makes my toes curl up just to hear it. Er…does the IUD stay in all the time? ALL the time? Did a man invent it?

  25. *really excited about discounts* could definitely cause a problem… or the laughing from this post. I’m so happy to have finally met you Erin, though, oddly, it didn’t feel like *meeting*. Maybe we were sisters in another life. Your humor is a balm and a lift. Thank you for it!!!

  28. I’ve had my IUD for 13 years.

    My gyno said, “They recommend 10 because they only studied it for 10. But you’re probably fine.”

    I guess I’ll name my baby “Probably.”

    p.s. I’d start worrying about this RIGHT NOW except that the first thing I’m going to do after commenting here is hit up Val Kilmer’s IMDb to find out the title of his blind man movie.

    I have GOT to see that shit.

  30. So so funny. And a perfect example of why I hate shopping with kids…because mine would find that IUD in the parking lot, pick it up and turn it into an AlienBlasterShooterGun.